A Week in a Madhouse
by Arandomchan
Summary: Childhood rivalry? Check. Alcoholic parents? Check. An entire week with which to plot the demise of several classmates? Heck yeah. AU, BL.
1. Prologue: Squall Explains

**A Week in a Madhouse**

By: Arandomchan

Warnings: Boy Love, my kind of humor, cussing, and a gender challenged Seifer – except he's not confused about _his_ gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a _girl_.

**Prologue**: _Squall Explains_.

I grew up with the prick. Seriously. I actually had to _put up_ with his arrogance; damn, that bastard thought he was the king of the fucking world. I've known him since, what, four? My earliest memory of him was, not surprisingly, him trying to get me to do what _he_ wanted.

It was at some pot-luck party—well, to me it was just a bunch of noisy adults, laughing and talking too loudly; completely chaotic—when we first met. Basically, his parents were meeting my parents, and our parents wanted us to 'get along' (although my parents mentioned already that I was 'shy').

No _fucking_ way. First thing the bastard did was look me up and down, as if sizing me up, and turn to his parents, asking in his high pitched, ugly, I'm-the-greatest-thing-since-sliced-bread voice, "Are you _sure_ that's a guy?"

Now, I was only four at the time, so I wasn't as indignant as I _could_ have been. Instead of burning in righteous anger and punching a hole through his soft tummy, I didn't say a thing as his parents choked and gushed apologies to my parents, admonishing him and trying to console me... until they realized I hadn't reacted in the first place. (Karma would get him in the end, anyway.) They looked over at my parents, who were eyeing me nervously.

Instead of apologizing, as his parents had ordered him to, he walked back up to me and we stood, facing each other. I glared, he glared, and our parents fidgeted, throwing back more alcohol. Then, being the neglectful bastards they were, all four told us to be good and made their escape together, probably ready to get drunk. Not that they hadn't been already. That was okay—my house was in walking distance, I wasn't afraid of the dark, and I was highly independent at that age. Yeah, four _is_ an early age to be independent. At four, kids usually don't speak too well, either, and babble so much their parents cease listening to them. We're like background noise at that age.

The bastard stared at me longer, then said, "You look like a girl."

And, still, I said nothing. Suddenly, though, his hand snaked out of nowhere and latched onto my wrist, his eyes glinting with a sudden idea (don't strain yourself too hard, prick) as he said, "Come on."

He pulled me through groups of adults, pausing here and there to be gushed over by random people; fuck, man, I could practically see him preening. He pulled me upstairs and found a room... that was disgusting to look at. Pink everywhere. Frills, lace, hearts and bows. Oh my _god_, I wanted to puke! I just wrinkled my nose.

And what did he try to do, then?

"Here, put this on." He thrust something frilly, lacy, and entirely too _pink_ into my arms.

He tried to make me wear a dress.

So when I say I hate him, think on that. Wouldn't _you_ hate someone's guts if they dressed you up as a girl (unless you were actually a girl, but I know damn well sure that I'm not)? And that wasn't the _only_ thing he did.

It was just the first, and one of the most hated.

I refused, of course, to put on the dress—instead, I stared at it, skin crawling. (Oh, gross, a _dress_ was in my arms.) I dropped it to the floor and glared at him. He scowled.

"Well? Put it on!"

I just glared and stalked to the door—unfortunately, he got there before me. God, it was like a four-year-old drama movie!

"I said 'put it on.'"

I growled, saying, "I know what you said. You can't order me to do things."

"Yes, I can."

"No, you can't, and I don't care what you say."

That stated, I pushed him aside and yanked open the door, stomping back downstairs, finding myself a corner and glowering in it. Yeah, even at four, I was the silent brooding type.

See? We got off on the wrong foot, anyway. I might have overlooked our meeting if he didn't continue being an arrogant asshole each time we crossed paths. And if he just stopped insisting that I was really a girl!

Which brought me to a particularly weird incident when we were fourteen. My parents dropped me off at his house (sheez, our parents were always out drinking or something – they pushed us together whenever they got the chance) and took off, _leaving_ me with the malicious prick. Not alone – his parents were home, but they were watching TV in the living room, and told us to go up to his room and do something. They probably meant play video games, cards, war—whatever it was that teenage boys did. They didn't care.

So we went up to his room, him making snide comments to me, and me ignoring him and glaring at the stairs. When he got there, I just sat against the wall on the floor, drawing my knees up to my chest, glaring at the floor.

"I didn't say that you could sit there." Said Mr. Almighty.

"See if I care." I growled. And... I didn't. Just so long as he didn't try to make me wear a dress again... but if he could produce a dress in his own room, I might just be worried.

"This is _my_ room-"

"Yeah, and I don't care." I interrupted him, fully aware that a rant had been coming. Before he could retort, I said, "Look, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be near you, and I don't want to talk. So shut it."

He bristled, huffed, and flung himself on his bed, glaring at me. "Looks like someone's having trouble with his hormones." He said sarcastically. I lifted my head barely, then returned to staring at the carpet. My head yelled 'priiiiiick'.

"Are you going to try and kill my carpet with a death glare the _entire_ time?" He asked plaintively. By gods, he was persistent.

"Yes." I replied shortly.

Suddenly, he was looming above me, and my head snapped up as he said, "You're in _my_ house, in _my_ room, so you have to do what _I_ say."

I narrowed my eyes, but I was just not in the mood to get in an argument at the moment. "Just so long as you don't make me wear a dress."

A gleam lit his eyes, and I added, "Or make up or anything girly."

The gleam dimmed a little, but he shrugged and dragged me across the room—see what I mean? Just drags me wherever he wants, like a rag doll—and plopped me in front of the TV. What now?

He dragged out a game console—I'm not big on games, so I had no clue what it was—and turned it on, giving me one of the controllers. I took it and sighed. Great. _Weird_ torture.

It was some kind of fighting game; he beat me viciously, but I wasn't really trying. That is, until he commented how I played like a girl. Then I concentrated and picked up a few tricks. I won once.

His character fell to the ground and I blinked, realizing that the winner was _me_. Scowling, I snapped my head around to look at him. And found he was looking at me.

"What?" I snapped irritably. I never said I knew him—he was just as weird as he was a prick, so I had no idea what he found so interesting.

He blinked and before I knew it, he was on me, shoving, or at least trying to shove, my t-shirt up. What—the—_hell_?

I grunted and shoved him off me as hard as I could, scrambling to readjust my T-shirt and glaring at him while I scooted away.

"What the fuck was that!" I demanded.

"I was looking for your boobs."

"Boobs? _Boobs_?" I exclaimed, getting to my feet, and he followed suit. "You're a pervert!"

"What? You're such a girl, I thought for _sure_ that you'd have boobs." He drawled in his arrogant tone of voice, like _I_ was the weirdo moron here.

"Ugh, you're such a prick." I said and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind me; I made my way down to the living room and sat on one of the couches, ignoring the looks his parents gave me. I was staying _here_ until my parents came back. Damnit, I was fourteen, why did they think I needed to have a babysitter when they were away?

Nobody said a thing as I damn near seethed on the spot; I could practically hear the upholstery melting around me. Melt, damn you, melt!

So that was one of my weirder experiences with the ass when I was fourteen.

And how old am I?

Seventeen.

And right now I am facing a crisis, which doesn't seem to be divertible.

My parents and his parents are going to spend a week gambling; by themselves. Not only that...

But I have to spend an entire week living with that goddamn _prick_ in one house!

Oh Lord help me, give me strength, or at least a gun and one bullet.

-

_You have two choices: review or don't._


	2. First Day Homicide

A Week in a Madhouse

By: Ayanagami (… _What to change it to_…?)

Warnings: Shounen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing, and a gender challenged Seifer – except he's not confused about _his_ gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a _girl_.

**Day One**: _First Day Homicide _

Scratch that order on the gun and uno ammunition. I want some proximity mines and some riot gear. I am _not_ going to survive this.

Either I'm going to kill him, he's going to kill me, or I'm going to kill the both of us. I officially hate my parents, by the way, and when they come back... well, I'm sure I can find some sharp objects so they can get the 'point' of what I feel right now. Which is resentment and extreme anger. Ever want to snap someone's fingers in half one by one? Or stick their hand in a blender? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right now.

"Now I know why you always look so angry – listening to this shit, I'd be angry, too" – Note, this has to be the most empathetic thing he's ever said to me in my entire life. "I heard that you lose brain cells listening to this crap."

"That 'crap' is Nine Inch Nails." I growled and reclaimed my loved CD. "And you can keep your hands off my stuff, thank you."

"Ugh, what kind of name is Nine Inch Nails? Sounds like a bunch of losers to me."

"You're a loser. Nine Inch Nails is better than _any_ music you could throw on the table."

"Pffft... Fifty Cent beats it without batting an eye."

I rolled my eyes. "Fifty 'sense', as in how many brain cells they have left before they're below the national 'shoot me, I'm an imbecile' law gets them?" I answered, then, with my CD case in hand, stalked upstairs. Guess what? Because the prick's (:cough: Seifer :cough:) house has better security system, we're staying at _his_ place. Which means, the first morning I woke in this godforsaken house was with Seifer sitting on my bed going through my stuff, commenting on it like he owned the world.

The initial conversation went like this;

"What the hell are you doing."

"Nothing."

"Like hell. Get out of my stuff."

"Nah, my house, my rules."

"Yeah, my fist, your face."

"Touchy. You have crappy clothes."

"Well, excuse me Mr. Fashion King."

"Actually, your clothes are almost inexcusable. Except for the fact that _you're_ wearing them, that is. Which brings them even lower."

"Shut up and go away."

He ignored me, of course.

"And all your clothes are _black_.... what, are you Gothic, or something."

"The most Perceptive Person in all the Universe Award goes to... Seifer Almasy." I muttered, curling back up into a ball and attempting to go back to sleep.

"Hey, get up, it's morning."

"Yeah, for crack addicts and escaped convicts. But for us normal folk, on a Saturday morning, it's still sleepy time." I yawned, trying to ignore him. It worked. Until he started poking me in the ribs. I'm not ticklish, but him _touching_ me pissed me off pretty bad. Needless to say.... I woke up. And that's how the day progressed... all throughout the house...

Back to the most recent argument... Seifer followed me up the stairs. His quietness unnerved me. It unnerved me enough to turn around just before I got to the second floor landing, to see his eyes looking at my ass. Well, they _were_ looking at my ass before I turned around.

"What the hell?!" I don't think I needed any other justification for my next action... which was to lift my leg, plant my foot on his shoulder, and then... shove him down the stairs. I didn't even bother waiting to see if he would live through the fall – the sound of his surprised cry and his body thudding down the stairs was music enough to me.

"You walk like a girl." He cried weekly from the first floor. Obviously, he was still alive, right? I went back to the stairs, took off my shoe, and threw it down at him. Years of throwing things at him (did I ever tell you about the numerous times he's walked in on me naked? Luckily, there always seemed to be large amounts of lethal projectiles lying about) made me a pro. It hit him in the face.

"That's a sorry excuse to stare at my ass! AND I'M NOT A GIRL!"

So I locked myself in my temporary bedroom.

-

Lunch time. I-don't-want-to-leave-the-safety-of-my-room time. Before I tell the tale of How Seifer Almost Got His Hand Shoved Down a Food Disposal, let me first fill you in on the tale of How Seifer Got a Scar Across His Face.

A few years back... hmmm... maybe when I was fifteen... a year after the whole 'groping' incident... (I still shudder... and twitch... at the memory) my family was going to the State Fair... with _his_ family... (apparently the alcohol nearby was incredibly good... and they thought that Seifer and I actually _got along_. Yeah... sure... like a ferret and a mountain lion.) They had sent Seifer up to see if I was ready yet... and I had _just_ stepped out of the shower, facing my closet, about to grab a pair of jeans when he... RIPPED MY TOWEL FROM AROUND MY WAIST! Well, my pocketknife was on my dresser, which was right next to me, and when I react to 'attacks' I react quick and... ferociously. Needless to say, I owe a good deal of pure sadistic satisfaction to that knife. Revenge is sweet.

I had to physically hold back my grin that day, happiness almost too much for me to keep inside... Seifer had to walk around the fairgrounds with bandages on the wound the whole day, like a dork. Revenge _is_ sweet!

Back to now.

I took a nap, waking up at around one in the afternoon, pretty much. I'm not ashamed of saying it – I love sleeping. It's the best damn thing in the world, in my opinion. Passes the time, keeps you from thinking, and, if you're in pain, pretty much blots that out, too. Yes, sleep was invented by a very smart, very _good_ person.

My stomach was having an interesting argument with my brain, _insisting_ that I was hungry. My brain was a little hesitant, though... for all of maybe three seconds. Then I made my way downstairs to the kitchen, stomach trying to sing opera.

"Hey, princess. Finally wake up?" Assailed me as I walked through the kitchen door – without thinking, I balled up my fist and buried it in his stomach, ignoring as his body thudded to the ground.

"I told you – I'm _not_ a girl, you stupid fucking prick."

He just groaned from where he lay on the floor.

Cool. Guess I can punch pretty hard, huh? I usually never end in punching someone; usually because no one ever bothers me, and no one, if they bother me, pisses me off as much as _him_.

"I suppose it's too late to tell you that that mouth of yours is going to land you some trouble." I commented, opening the fridge. Oh, I was in luck today. Not only did I get to punch Seifer, but right in front of me was one of those Deli sandwiches I just love... and two different boxes of sodas. Coolness. I grabbed a soda and that wonderful sandwich, then leaned against the sink, unwrapping and uncapping. I watched detachedly as Seifer took a few deep breaths, then peeled himself away from the kitchen floor.

He looked at me. He opened his mouth. I raised an eyebrow and he shut it.

"Good choice." I praised him like the good little puppy he was... now if only I could get him fixed like a dog... My day would be complete.

"Are you PMSing or something?" Seifer suddenly asked, making me pause and blink.

Did I ever tell you how much I _hate_ him?

I ignored him and turned around, looking out the window while eating. Maybe, if I ignore him, he'll go away.

I got halfway through my sandwich before I realized he was standing behind me... I wasn't sure what he was doing, but I could vaguely see his reflection in the window. I could only assume that it was something stupid. I put down my sandwich and turned to face him.

"_What_?" I asked, glaring.

"Have you ever worn one of your mother's dresses?" He asked.

I groaned and covered my face with my hands, slumping my shoulders. "All the stupidity in the world collected in one person..."

"I'm not _stupid_, little miss man." I looked up and warned him with narrowed eyes. Nu-uh, don't _go_ there, girlfriend... (There's no way in HELL that I'd say that... it'd give him ammunition.)

"Make another crack like that and I'm shoving your hand down the food disposal."

He gave me a look that could only be described as 'you've _got_ to be kidding me' and proceeded to seal his fate. I'll spare you exactly what he said, because he overuses it anyway, and it's gotten sad. So I snatched up his hand, spun around and jerked him forward as I switched the disposal on. His hand was almost inside when he reacted and wrenched his arm out of my grip.

I guess he did it too hard, or I let go too easily, cause he tripped over a chair and landed on the floor for the third time that day. I blinked. I was a little surprised. One moment, I can almost taste sweet revenge, then next, Seifer's on the ground, but he still has his hand. I looked down. He twitched a bit.

"You ate my sandwich."

I snorted as I left the room, suddenly not hungry anymore. "Ask me if I care."

-

I spent the rest of the day... guess where? My room. Seifer wasn't worth the energy to listen to – in an effort to keep him from popping into my room uninvited whenever he felt the need, I moved one of the dressers to bar the door. Hm. So, what if some psycho killer came through the window, then? Well, I'd be dead, cause there was no way in hell that I was going to move the piece of fucking furniture. Yes, I'd risk my life to stay away from the Prick of the World.

Not that I was paranoid about psycho killers or anything...

I flopped down onto my bed after I moved the dresser and stayed there, where it was, I assumed, safe, for quite some time. Then, almost spasmodically, I turned onto my back with a groan, realizing that I had school tomorrow. No... wait... This was a good thing! It was much easier to avoid Seifer at school than when in the same house as him. I only had one class with him (believe me, I had tried to transfer out immediately, but, apparently, the explanation that 'You try having a class with the biggest dick in the known universe,' didn't work) and I rarely ever saw him during lunch... and when I did, it was only when Rinoa tried to get me acquainted with the sun.

Okay, so... I... kind of like Rinoa. You know, just a tiny little crush, but apparently, she likes someone else, so I've never told her. We're still friends, though... Just friends. Best friends, albeit, but only friends.

Man, life sucks. Mine in particular.

-

_Right… well. I still have errors. And that sucks. Sigh. So depressed… I wish I hadn't been the one to write this. That way, I could read it and it would cheer me up. __Second chapter actually isn't that good. I just noticed this. Hm._


	3. Okay, Is Seifer Retarded or Something?

**A Week in a Madhouse**

By: Ayanagami ( _I still can't find anything to change it to... heh... 'The Author Formerly Known as Ayanagami'?_)

Warnings: Shounen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing, and a gender challenged Seifer – except he's not confused about _his_ gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a _girl_.

**Day Two**: _Okay, Is Seifer Retarded Or Something?_

-/**Seifer's POV**/-

"Hey! Watch ou-"

-thud-

The girl got hit in the back of the head with a freak flying football Monday morning. Man, she looked pissed. I was with a few of my friends not too far away as she walked across the lawn on her way into the building, and I got front row seats to her show of fury.

She spun on her heel and glared death at the jocks, who were sheepishly asking for their football back. She looked like she'd sooner deflate it.

"Dude, we're sorry... are you okay?"

I always found it amusing – and a little irritating – that everyone in school thought Squall was a guy; it was pretty obvious she wasn't. But she didn't help a thing by wearing guy's clothes. I mean, damn, all the girls I knew had worn a skirt or a blouse at _least_ once in the time I'd known them, but not Squall. She was bound and determined to be a guy. It would have been fine with me, normally, but the fact that she actually _fooled_ everyone got to me. I knew she was a girl from the first time I set eyes on her; how could anyone _that_ pretty _not_ be a girl? Granted, she was incredibly flat-chested, but she had a nice body. That got me, too. She had a good body, and most girls would flaunt it and be girly, but she... I mean, for god's sake, even her best friend, Rinoa, thought she was a guy.

And about the whole chest thing... see, I thought maybe she was hiding them, at first, so when her parents dropped her off one time and we were up in my room, I decided to find them... but she didn't even wear a bra! I guess that she was a late bloomer or something. So I found out she didn't like being groped and she had a very flat chest. But then, a year later, I tried going further. So, okay, maybe ripping that towel off her waist had been a bad move... I still have the scars to prove it. And I didn't even get what I wanted! I was too distracted to get the evidence as she attacked me with that damn knife of hers... Man, that is one girl you do not want to piss off. However, I seem to do it regularly.

I still shudder at the Basketball incident when we were seven....

Our parents were inside drinking up a storm and we didn't have much to do – all my friends had gone on summer vacation, and Squall... she hated everyone and didn't have any friends. So we ended up outside in my driveway drinking juice from those packets and playing around with a basket ball... well, I was playing around with it, anyway. She was glaring at her juice. Shit, I don't think that girl was _ever_ happy. She just had something against the world. Me in particular.

Now that I think about it, I've never seen or heard her laugh. Well, she's laughed mockingly at me, and sarcastically, but never really laughed. She doesn't smile, either. I've been to a lot of her birthday parties (my parents always gave her presents you would get a boy... They never listened to me when I told them, quite seriously, that Squall was, in fact, a _girl_... no one ever did....)... anyway... about those parties, she was never very thrilled about them. In fact, if looks could kill, no one would have survived them. She refused to open her presents (the other kids were all too happy to do it for her) and she didn't blow out her candles, she didn't eat any of the ice cream, and she put up the fight of her life before anyone could get her to play birthday games. I think the parties were more for her parents, anyway. An excuse to get drunk was never wasted.

Huh? What was I thinking about? I was off in la la land right then... oh, yeah, the basketball incident. Long story short, I pointed out that she didn't have to be so gloomy and that most girls are cheerful and stuff like that (perfectly normal, really) and she just got really pissed and started yelling at me. I told her to calm down. She didn't want to calm down. I don't know what I said, but she just about went fucking _nuts_ and gave me a concussion with the basketball. She's strong for a girl, let me tell you that.

Well, back to the present, the football situation sort of reminded me of that time with the basketball...

"Hey, could we get our football back, Squall?" One of them asked, smiling a little. I've seen them exchange a nod or two in the hallways. They must know each other from something, I guess.

Squall glared, picked up the football, and was just about to toss it back when she caught me watching her. Remember when I said she has something against me?

Well, next thing I know, there's this football rushing headlong at my face in this perfect deadly spiral and I know somewhere in the back of my brain that if that thing connects, I'm gonna be all veggie and crap. But my body sure took its sweet time reacting. I came _this_ close to saying goodbye to my brain before I managed to duck and get out of the way. After that, as always when around her, I had a new appreciation for life. For all of thirty seconds, then I told myself that I either had to calm her down one of these days, take revenge, or move to another country. I mean... really... why was she always so pissed off at me?

She acted like she didn't _want_ people to know she was a girl.

-/**Squall's POV**/-

Let's all sing together, now, kids. I _fucking_ haaaate the diiiiiiick.... No, I can't say I really had an excuse to lob the football at him as hard as fucking humanly possible, but, then again, I don't think I needed one. No one needs a reason to lob objects at Mr. Dick, not in my world.

Besides, I got to see that vaguely horrified look wipe away that smirk he was always wearing. That made my day all the nicer.

I glared at my econ teacher. I hate this teacher. She was always trying to get me to speak up in class and always marked things like 'uncooperative in class' on those report cards that got sent home. She'd even arranged for a parent-teacher conference. Hello, lady, I'm not in fucking grade school anymore. I'm not going to jump around eagerly whenever you want me too.

I have to admit it, though – my parents dealt with her in ways that impressed even me. My mother cried and said that my grandparents had died in a horrible fire when I was fourteen (they were alive and kicking somewhere in Florida even as she said that) and I had been very close to them (I met them a few times when I was a kid, they were okay... I knew where my mom got her alcoholic ways, though) and I was still in therapy, trying to get over the loss even now (I had never seen the inside of a therapist's office to date). My teacher's face had crumpled in sympathy as I sat immobile on a chair off to the side, trying hard not to laugh. My dad expressed his grief, saying that it was hard trying to understand me, since both of my dogs had died when I was six by being hit by cars right in front of me, and my canary had suffered a heart attack in mid flight, plummeting into the fishbowl and somehow killing all five fish in the tank. (To set things straight, I never had any pets, and the one time my parents had taken care of the neighbor's cat, it had survived the interaction unscathed. Not to mention I don't like animals, much less dogs.)

They even went as far as to tell her that my favorite cousin, who was close in age to me, had suffered from amnesia and forgotten all about me. My dad claimed this had severely hurt me since we had been best friends most of our lives, inseparable at family occasions and so close that it seemed we practically knew what the other was thinking. (First, my family almost never had 'family occasions,' second, I hated my cousins, all of them, and third, no one in my family was prone to amnesia of any sort. We all had pretty good memories, except for my great aunt who couldn't for the life of her remember what the name of her cat was, so she called it something different every week.)

As soon as we left the classroom, my mom and dad dropped the 'distraught parents' act and proceeded to congratulate each other on their stories. I trailed behind them, shaking my head and grinning. I would remember that day for years to come, I swear.

After that, though, I don't know if it got worse or what. She kept giving me sympathetic looks and cutting me slack _everywhere_, always giving me encouraging words and shit like that. Good god.

I sunk further down into my seat in the back of the room. I glared. Yeah, that's just about all I did in first period. Sure, I do all the worksheets, take all the notes, do well on all the tests. I should get good grades, but I have a thing about projects – particularly group projects.... as in, I don't do them. My econ teacher cuts me slack there. So I have a good grade in this class. The rest, though... well, who cares? At least they don't make any comments about my lack of interaction. They don't make parent-teacher conferences... that makes all the difference.

Yaaaay. Bell rang. Yes, I'm so fucking happy. What? Sarcasm? Me? You lie!

I glared at Rinoa. It was a nice glare, though, more like a thoughtful scowl. I would never _really_ glare at her. I think. I haven't yet. At least none of the death glares.

She had been chatting with a girl who sat in front of her a few minute's before the bell for fourth rang, talking about god knows what. But after the bell rang, she quieted down and listened attentively as the teacher gave instructions on the chem lab. Oh goody. We get to blow shit up. I swear, that's the only reason I'm still in this class... that, and Rinoa is in it.

I paid attention to what the teacher as well, just not as obviously as Rinoa did... I slumped in my chair next to her and stared at the table, listening to every single damn word. This teacher talked a lot. I suppose that if I were a teacher, I'd give instructions to a class full of high schoolers when dealing with combustible chemicals a few hundred times, too, just to ensure that I wouldn't get blown to hell and back. But, then again, some kids don't pay attention to a single one of the warnings, despite how many times they're repeated. They end up going to the nurse's office. Sometimes the hospital. I say, the dumb-asses deserve it. Especially the guy who stuck his finger in the soap bottle and couldn't get it out. The teacher cut most of the bottle away but he ended up walking around the rest of the day with a wad of plastic around his middle finger. He seemed proud, too. I hate this place.

But after a few minutes, Rinoa managed to ask me how my stay at Seifer's was going. Thus my scowl.

She smiled and poked my cheek, and I had to bite back a snarl I would have left unchecked with anyone else. Rinoa was special, though. Special... But I really wanted to fucking _bite_ her for bringing up Prince Prick.

"From your expression, I'd say it's going just as planned!" She chirped, her tone more suited for something like 'I don't have a care in the world!' It didn't fit the situation at all.

I glared at her, my 'Just drop it' scowl firmly in place. It changed to 'I don't want to talk about it!' as she opened her mouth to say something more – luckily, our lab partner snapped at us to stop flirting and actually _help_ with the lab.

_How about I set you on fire_? I asked, silently, glaring at him.

I almost did, too, but Rinoa was onto me before I could finish the preparations and whisked the chemicals from my reach. Damn! Foiled!

Chem lab survived for the day, the students intact.

Lunch came, lunch passed, and I hid from the world. I found a nice dark corner, listened to System of a Down, and blanked out. Everyone knows not to bother Squall when he's in his dark place. Everyone except for Dick Dick van Dick. Luckily, he was preoccupied for something or other and didn't try to come and find me. I was tempted to scare one of the freshmen, but I was feeling too anti-social for even _that_.

But eventually lunch ended and I suffered through more school.

Then came English.

The Dick of his own little world came with it.

A class spent with Seifer was always... something. Needless to say, he managed to talk a girl who was sitting next to me to trade seats with him (she didn't need much coaxing... I think she was creeped out by me or something) after which he antagonized me, as usual, and, without saying a word, I stabbed him in the leg with my pencil, as usual.

"You stabbed me in the fucking leg again, Squall!" He accused me at the top of the stairs later that evening. I raised my eyebrow.

"Yeah." I left out the 'so?' part, thinking it wasn't really needed. He'd talk even if _not_ encouraged.

"You're one vicious little girl." He spat out, wincing as he put too much weight on his leg. I looked over his shoulder at the stairs behind him. An idea took form in my head. He was fucked, he just didn't know it.

"I'm not a girl."

"You sure _look_ like one."

"So? You look like a monkey, but apparently you're not. Monkey's smell better."

"Ooh, the girl has spunk!"

"...." I smiled. I'm told it's unnerving. "The monkey's going to learn how to fly."

Before he could figure out what I meant, he was tumbling down the stairs once more that week, cussing the entire way down. Was it wrong to feel so fucking elated?

I heard that lovely thud and turned on my heels, disappearing into my room whistling a song as I went to town on my homework.

-

Apparently, I was drunk while writing some of this. Heh. That's fun. I don't drink as much anymore… it makes my stomach sick. Sigh. Anyway. Not much changed on this chapter. Yay. **Iskander**… I know what you mean. Everything works out. I just find it hard to care.


	4. Bucket Head Dog!

**A Week in a Madhouse**

By: The Author Formerly Known As Ayanagami (_But it's still Ayanagami cause that whole name won't fit_...)

Warnings: Shounen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing (EDIT: _lots_ of cussing), and a gender challenged Seifer – except he's not confused about _his_ gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a _girl_.

"_I killed my goldfish, I can't handle a country_." - _Squall, _The Seventh Month_ by faerie-of-fiction_.

**Day Three**: _Bucket head dog_!

I woke up and the birds were chirping their fucking heads into oblivion. The pleasure of stabbing Seifer in the leg and tossing him down the stairs had worn off, like always, and I groaned as I rolled over to slap my hand down on the top of my alarm clock in an effort to shut it off. I winced as I heard it crash to the floor – I probably hit it too hard... oh well, that meant I needed to get a new clock.

I glared at the wall. Then, sighing, I sat up, turned on the CD player (my CD player, actually, I brought it with me for the week) and went to the dresser that temporarily held my clothes, fishing out something decent. I snatched up my towel and headed for the bathroom. I had learned the hard way that I needed to get dressed as fast as fucking possible after a shower around Seifer. He's a fucking nut ball pervert.

I knew for a fact that Seifer was still asleep – his alarm didn't go off for another five minutes. Yesterday I had checked the time and set my clock ten minutes before his. Heh heh heh.

I took my sweet time in the shower, with the door locked, of course, and got out, nice and clean, to get dressed.

I didn't know what was going on downstairs during my shower. All I knew was....

**-/Seifer's POV/-**

Holy shit. I'm fucked. Fucked over, fucked up, fucked with, fucked around, fucked three ways till noon. I. Am. Fucked. Squall's not the most forgiving person. Especially not with me. I mean that in the most emphasized way.

Swallowing, I thought myself out of this mess. I quickly realized there was no way out except suicide before she killed me, or lying my ass off and pretending nothing was wrong.

I decided that lying my ass off was the best bet. Let's just hope she gets so angry she has a seizure or something. Not that it was my fault...

_-/_**Squall's POV**/-

... that someone had FUCKED with my room. Now, I could think 'Oh my god! Burglar!' And get freaked out (or not so freaked out) _or_ I could zero in on the culprit. Barefoot, I raced down the stairs, already screaming as water dripped off my hair like crazy.

"SEIFER!"

**-/Seifer's POV/-**

I heard the footsteps as she rushed down the stairs, and her dark voice as it growled out my name in a scream. _Get your lying engines started_...

And act _innocent_ for God's sake!

_-/_**Squall's POV**_/-_

I found him in the kitchen, rinsing out a bowl. He twisted around to look at me, a 'what the hell are you screaming about now?' expression. I sneered, stalking right up to him to shout into his face.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?!!!!"

He blinked. "Your room?"

"YES! My _FUCKING_ ROOM!"

"I didn't do a thing."

"DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME!"

"I'm not! I didn't touch your room!"

"THEN I SUPPOSE THAT-"

"_Stop yelling, damnit_!"

I dropped my voice to a tolerable level, laced with barely contained hostility. I was too angry to even think straight on a course of violence.

"I _suppose_ that your _imaginary_ friend came in and knocked over the nightstand, somehow got water everywhere, threw my clothes around the room like some neurotic freak show on crack, and left pieces of food all over!!?" I forgot to keep my voice down, finally, screaming out, "_Or perhaps that happened all by itself_!!!????"

**-/Seifer's POV/-**

She's really scary when she's angry. Really hot, but very, very scary.

Fuck it! I can't pretend ignorance anymore!

I'm telling the truth!

**-/Squall's POV/-**

"Um... no... a dog did it."

I stared at him, aware only in the slightest that my jaw was hanging from my face as I tried processing this. I got pissed.

"YOU COULDN'T EVEN COME UP WITH A BETTER LIE THAN THAT!!!??" The insane urge to throttle him had set upon me.

"I'm not lying! A dog really did that!" This was pathetic.

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD A DOG COME IN MY ROOM AND DO ALL THAT SHIT!?"

He gave me a weird look. "Um... it... had a bucket on its head...."

I had had enough. Cocking my fist back, I landed a punch on his jaw, sending him tumbling back against the counter with the promise of a nice bruise developing where my blow landed. Sated only a bit, I turned on my heel, yelling over my shoulder, "Don't _fucking_ touch my stuff again!"

I raced upstairs and surveyed the room dispassionately. This was going to be a bitch and a half to clean up.

**-/Earlier, Seifer's POV/-**

Sighing, I woke up, slapped my hand on my alarm to silence it, and fell out of bed with a grunt. I heard Squall in the shower already, and remembered that I had forgotten to take out the garbage last night – I was too busy tending to my wounds, both from English and from the fall down the stairs. Why I thought of it directly after I thought of Squall in the shower, I really can't say. Never try and understand the mind of a genius.

Tugging on a pair of jeans, I plodded down the stairs, entering the kitchen to get my burden, then trudging to the side door to deposit it.

That's when everything went wrong. A shout rose from the street, and I look up just in time to see the large black blur of fur as it barreled into me, causing me to drop the garbage. A brief, confusing moment went by, in which I was knocked over by said black furred thing. I heard a lot of noise, woofing, and was severely bruised a few times by a tail from hell. My mind came to one conclusion; a dog.

I got to my feet just in time to see it disappear into my house, a bucket of leftover Kentucky Fried Chicken over his head and an empty ice cream tub stuck on one of it's enormous paws. It was the biggest fucking dog I had ever seen. And it was in my house, doing God Knows What.

I tore after it, leaving the door open behind me, hoping to chase it back out the way it came in. First I had to find it.

The fucking dog lead me on a merry chase around the living room, somehow managing to avoid breaking and knocking over everything, and barking its head off like no tomorrow. Then it streaked up the stairs with me in hot pursuit – it yelped as it ran headlong into Squall's door, bucket still firmly in place, and flinging the door wide open from the impact. It was then that I knew I was screwed to high heaven.

I could only look on in horror as the brute managed to get into _everything_ that belonged to the temperamental girl. Bits of chicken fell onto the carpet as it tumbled off her bed, bringing most of the covers with it and knocking into the dressers, causing a mirror to topple over and shatter and most of the doors to jerk open little by little, finally spilling the contents. Then I realized the thing was wet as it stood still for a moment, heaving and panting, then twisting this way and that to shake off the water droplets. I moaned in dismay, covering my face with my hands, unwilling to watch any more of this. It was terrible. It was horrible. I was slightly amused by the entire thing, but I beat that part down into submission so I could look properly afraid for my life.

Finally the monster of a dog decided it had done enough damage and came barreling at me at what seemed like light speed. I yelled and rushed down the stairs, the dog bounding happily behind me. Okay, what was up? I chased the dog up the stairs, then get chased back down? Not to mention the thing was wearing a KFC tub on its head like some kind of helmet and was barking like a broken record. I was being chased by a freak!

I almost fell the rest of the way down the steps in my haste, but I latched onto the railing for dear life – that would have been the _third_ time I had learned to fly that week. I cheated fate! The dog, however, was not so lucky and scampered down the stairs, across the floor, and smacked right into the wall with a sickening high pitched bark and thud. I hopped down the rest of the steps and approached it nervously. I was suddenly reminded of that really dumb crocodile hunter with the accent on TV.

Carefully, I arched my neck to check and see if it was alive, still. With a heave, the thing got to its feet, started up its barking once more, and, as I reacted on instinct to chase it out the side door, ran into the unknown of the morning light.

KFC bucket firmly in place.

I think it was officially the happiest animal in the world at that moment.

And I was officially the most screwed.

I was tempted to run after it and never come back.

**-/Present/-**

I grimaced and touched my jaw tenderly. I think she was too angry to do anything worse... like trying that thing with the food disposal. Shuddering, I counted my blessings.

Glancing at the clock on the Kitchen wall, I sighed. There was no way she was going to clean up that mess by herself before school started. Wincing at the thought of facing her wrath willingly, I ascended the stairs.

**-/Squall's POV/-**

What. The hell. Was he doing. IN... MY... ROOM!?

"I'm here to help."

Oh.

_Hell_ fucking no.

I told him this. Then he gave me a 'geez, isn't it obvious' look and explained.

"You'll never get this cleaned up in time for school."

"Oh yeah? Guess what? I'd rather be late. Out!"

He scowled and crossed his arms over his chest. "I didn't do this, I already told you. Some dog got into the house with a bucket of fried chicken on its head and tore up your room."

I sneered at him. "And why, pray tell, didn't you try and stop him? Hmmm...?" I stopped him from answering but cutting in with, "Even if I believed you, which I don't, the fact that only my room was wrecked is good enough."

"I tried getting it out! But you hate it when I'm in-"

"Get... out." I hardened my eyes at him. "I don't need, or want, your help. You've done enough damage as it is."

I turned back to my task at hand and heard him huff and leave the room.

Glaring at the mess, I started in. It took a few minutes, but I froze when I noticed the smell. Wet dog. Looking carefully around, I noticed the large amount of fur that stuck to almost every surface in the room. So Seifer hadn't been lying...

Scowling, I go to find him.

**-/Seifer's POV/-**

I looked up as she entered the room, a dark expression on her face.

She looked at me expectantly. I blinked.

"Well?" She put her hand on her hip. "I thought you said you were going to help me."

I opened my mouth to remind her that she had told me to basically fuck off, but ended up replying with, "Yeah."

Geez. She must be schizophrenic or something.

**-/Later, Squall's POV/-**

Rinoa stared at me in chem class. We ignored the looks of death our lab partner was giving us as easily as we ignored the strange fizzing our lab was doing.

"What?"

I sighed and began to repeat myself, but she shook her head and held up her hand.

"No, no, no, I heard what you said, I just... er... you can't be _serious_." I gave her a deadpanned expression. She held her hands over her mouth but I could tell she was giggling. "Oh, wow, you _are_ serious. So some dog with a bucket on its head-"

"_Supposedly_ with a bucket on its head," I reminded her. She rolled her eyes.

"Okay, _supposedly_ with a bucket on its head, got into the house and decimated your room? So now you either sleep in the same room as Seifer or on the couch? I think this could only – hey, is our lab supposed to be doing that?"

I followed her gaze for a moment as it rested on what the liquid was doing at that point in time – which was eating through the table at an alarming rate. I shrugged and said no, but we could blame it on our lab partner.

"So, where are you going to sleep?" She asked. It was my turn to stare at her as if she had grown another head. Wasn't the choice obvious?

"The couch, of course!" Was it my imagination, or did she look slightly disappointed? "The good thing was that my shoes managed to survive the entire thing intact... so I just have to wash all my clothes." The thought irritated me.

"So, did you apologize for punching him?" Okay, who was this and where was Rinoa? Hey, our lab test had just plopped onto the floor through the hole it had made in the table, and was busying itself with running away.

"Of course not!"

By this time, we had our eyes trained on the pile of goop as it trembled and quivered, sliding around chair legs towards the vent on the floor near the wall.

"Oh, I see, can't even be nice to the poor guy. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he's trying to be friends with you?"

I scowled at the little creature as it began eating a lab paper someone had dropped on the floor. "_No_. And if he is, he's got a strange way of 'trying to make friends'."

Rinoa sighed and the creature ate through the vents, now loose in the heating system.

"Everyone's different."

"Squall, Rinoa, what happened to your lab table – and your lab _partner_?" We looked up at the teacher, looked down at the table, then looked for our lab partner. Hm.

I shrugged. "I don't know what happened to the lab table, but our partner was acting weird."

With a straight face, Rinoa added, "He was saying something about escaping."

The teacher gave us a weird look.

-

I dumped another load into the dryer, growling as I slammed the lid down and began folding up the load I had taken out. I stuffed the clothes neatly into my duffel bag and thought a moment about getting a metal lock box to keep my stuff in for the rest of the week.

I sighed and shook my head.

I was still irritated with Rinoa's comment about Seifer's way of 'making friends'.

In two words, it sucked.

-

_Well… Editing this was a very cheap, half assed event. O-o But I'm kinda rushed. Anyway. **Iskander**: Thanks for your care and perception. It's nice._

_Oooh... Here's something neat: I'm on the Author Alert list of 100 people. That's insane... Oh, and I won't be updating tomorrow. Check in on Monday, though. _


	5. Beware the Door!

**A Week in a Madhouse**

By: Ayanagami

Warnings: Shounen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing (EDIT: _lots_ of cussing), and a gender challenged Seifer – except he's not confused about _his_ gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a _girl_.

**Day Four**: _Beware the Doors_!

-**General POV**/-

"Hey!"

Bang! Bang! Bang! THUD!

"Heeey!"

Bang!Bang!Bang!THUD!

"HEEEEY!"

BANGBANGBANG-

Squall wrenched the door open with an irritated violence and screamed, "What the fuck are you doing in the garage!!??"

Seifer blinked at him.

"Uh... I got locked in."

_-/_**Squall's POV**_/- _

Waking up on the couch with someone banging and screaming on the garage door – evil.

"Stop calling me that."

"Calling you what?"

"A _girl_, you jerk."

Seifer snorted and my eye twitched. I tried hard to keep my anger level low, since I had told myself that morning that I was not going to blow up this day or commit violent acts towards him in any way. The thing with the garage that morning was the one exception I was allowing myself. What kind of moron would get themselves locked in a garage? I told him this.

"Excuse me for being human, princess."

I sighed, rubbed my temples, and stepped off the porch and strode down the walkway, trying to lose him. He just fell into stride next to me, commenting on certain things that I swear he knew irritated me. Like this girl fixation he has. Thirteen years of knowing each other and he still can't figure out I'm a guy? I've come to the conclusion, finally, that he isn't doing this to annoy me. He really is stupid.

A block away from his house, I stopped.

"What the hell is it going to take for you to understand that I am _not_ a girl?"

Seifer gave me a stupid look. My violence meter was rising like crazy. Right now there was a steady _bing_... _bing_... _bing_... telling me that it was close to the red zone, but still relatively mild. Okay, I could do this.

"Are you a lesbian or something?" I choked. Only _Seifer_ would ask me something that horrifyingly inaccurate. He raised an eyebrow as I wrestled with my own burning saliva. "Hit a nerve?"

"ARE YOU DEFECTIVE!!!?? Are you completely _moronic_ or something??!!!" I began screaming at him, dropping my backpack next to my stilled feet on the sidewalk, unaware of the blond skater approaching us at alarming speed. "HOW MANY TIMES DID YOUR MOTHER DROP YOU ON YOUR HEAD!!!?? Do you have _hearing_ problems!!!?? FUCK! Do you have _SEEING_ problems!!?? OR ARE YOU JUST SO STUPID??!! SO GODDAMN _BRAINLESS_?!"

I gasped for breath, my chest heaving for a moment. The skater was about five feet away by then. Taking as much air into my lungs as I could manage, I jumped right back into my rant, cutting off anything the sum of all brainless pricks might have said in his defense. "I don't think there could be ANYONE dumber than yo-"

With an exclamation that sounded a lot like 'ack' the skater, in a flurry of panicked arms, tumbled to the ground as his board caught on something. There was a thud as I broke off in mid insult, and, after a second, both Seifer and I looked down at the same moment, caught off guard.

A moment of silence overcame us. "I stand corrected. _That_," I gestured with a vague sweep of my arm, "is someone dumber than you."

-

His name was Sell. Cell.... er... Zell. He was new. He was horrifying.

Zell was the kind of person that made it necessary for people like me to be on medication. Barring from mind Mr. Almighty, of course, whose very existence made straight jackets trendy. But... Zell made me cringe. Suddenly, the thought of suicide was incredibly appealing, as opposed to the homicidal tendencies I have while around Seifer.

And, at the moment, I was sitting between the two of them. Don't ask, please, don't, because I don't really know how that happened, myself. Something about the psychotic blond just irritated Seifer, making him loom about in a dangerous fashion – not that the new kid noticed this. Zell chattered on and on insanely, switching from subject to topic at random, and with this terrifying energy; he dramatized _everything_ that didn't need to be dramatized. What he'd do if the end of the world came around, I don't want to know.

All I could do was pray for first period bell to ring.

"Shut it, Chicken Wuss." THANK YOU. Maybe Seifer wasn't really stupid after all. Nice name.

"What did you say!!??" Hearing impaired much?

"You heard me, now scurry along." Yeah! LEAVE ME ALONE!

"Tch. You're a jerk." Wow. Astute, are we? "He's a jerk, isn't he Squall?"

Okay, one, how did he know my name? He's a goddamn transfer student and I never told him my name. Two, yes, Seifer is a jerk, among other things. But he's _my_ jerk. ...... I'm not contemplating that thought.

"Squall?"

Yes, yes, I understand that you know how to say my name. You can stop now.

"Squaaaaaall...?"

WHAT ALREADY?! And no singing my name!

"Just leave her alone, Chicken Wuss. She's in la la land."

I glared over at the 'Jerk'. "Fuck you."

He smiled, pleased. Damn, I'm going to wipe that grin off his face. So much for trying to be non-violent today. Zell interrupted the battle of wills, though, with a confused expression.

"Uh.... she?" He leaned out a bit to give me a once over. "Dude, Squall's a guy."

Seifer pinned me with an amused smirk. "Damn, you're good."

At that point in my life, I was almost ready to give up. I really was. So instead I wandered away in my mind, ignoring the conversation around me and burrowing deeply – I thought of all the ways to kill someone. It ranged far and wide, from quick and painless to the truly sadistic. Slowly, I calmed down. Deep breaths, everyone, you're going to pull through this.

I was jerked out of my reverie by the shrill sound of the morning bell. I bolted for my first period.

-

Someone hates me.

Someone in a high place. I'm serious.

That new transfer student from Hell was in **two**.... count them, **_two_ **of my classes.

Math.... and English.

The first day of math, someone went psycho on him and tried throwing one of the desks at him. He ended up hunched against a wall with broken remnants of said desk scattered around him. He was pretty much left unharmed, much to my disappointment. Half an hour later, though, he accidentally knocked over a row of desks. Maybe he tripped over his own feet or something.

I learned something very fast – Zell was a walking disaster, and, given enough time, he would end up killing himself and a few pedestrians with that skateboard of his. The thought made me smile for a moment, but then nervousness overtook me again – I really didn't want to be anywhere near him ever again.

Especially not when, during the break between classes, he knocked a girl unconscious by sending her flying down the stairs. I saw it out of the corner of my eye – she dropped her books and he had bent to help her, forgetting about the skateboard strapped to his backpack. Owch.

She spent the rest of the day in the nurse's office, I can tell you that.

I was relieved to find that the rest of my day was pleasant. Rinoa and I got a new chem lab partner, who, for some reason, put up quite a fight in order to stay out of our group. It didn't matter to me, just meant I would get more time with my crush.

I was also able to hide in my dark place for lunch.

But....

Why me?

Am I cursed or something? Do people enjoy tormenting me?

Must be, because there that kid is, again, barely keeping still, and barely managing to _not_ visit disaster on our classroom. And Seifer is sitting right next to me... on the other side of me.... is an empty desk.... no.... the _only_ empty desk.

The girl Zell sent to the nurse's office was the one who had occupied it previous to that day. Oh, wow, shoot me now.

When he sat down, I shifted in my seat in order to get as far away as possible. I didn't want to be anywhere near this guy. Speaking of guys... Seifer was glowering at the younger boy over my head. My, someone's pissed.

I wonder how many classes _he_ has with him.

I momentarily contemplate joining forces with Almighty Dick in order to rid myself of this nuisance.

That's when I knew – Zell was sent by the devil, come to rob me of my senses. Me? Join with Seifer? No. Plain ol' fucking no.

I spent the rest of the period in my own private world, ignoring Zell's squawks and Seifer's sharp comments.

-

He followed us home. Normally, I wouldn't walk with Almasy, but Zell had come running like a bat out of hell, sending a freshman tumbling into a bush, and, upon reaching me, started babbling stupidly about something or other, punctuating his sentences with a sharply raised fist or a stamp of his foot. Then Seifer had joined the ranks of the clinically insane.

So, I guess, in retrospective, they _both_ followed me 'home'.

And then....

"Hey, dude, see ya tomorrow!"

I stood, frozen on the walkway, swallowing hard and blinking. Outside, I looked like a deer caught in someone's headlights.

Inside, I was crying.

-

Bang. Bang.

I glared at the door as I stood in the hallway. I didn't like doors. Sometimes Seifer was on the other side of them.

Bang. Bang.

Glowering, I attempted to silence the noise with my glare, all the while retaining my inner monologue. It had a lot to do with Seifer. And violence.

Bang. Bang.

Shit, whoever's out there isn't going away. I let out a clipped growl and stalked over to yank it open. My immediate reaction was to scream in horror as Zell grinned at me from the porch.

"Hey, dude!"

He was inside before I could slam the door. I sent him an evil death glare, but gave up in a huff. Oh well, it was Seifer's house, anyway. I trudged over to the couch, which now doubled as my sleeping space, and slumped into the cushions, drawing in on myself. As I feared, Zell was all over the place within a matter of seconds. Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me....

"What the fuck is Chicken Wuss doing here?" Help... please....

"I don't know."

"Whoa, what's _he_ doing here?" Zell asked – I could almost see him point an accusing finger at Almasy, but I didn't bother to look up.

"Heh heh heh.... oh, I see, hoping to spend the evening with your little girlfriend, wuss?" Anger. Much. Much anger.

Zell sputtered. "W-what the hell?! You're psycho – Squall's a _guy_."

"Shows how much you know." No, shows how much _you_ know – I was tempted to say Seifer was in denial... "And, although it's none of your concern, this happens to be _my_ house. Princess here is a guest for the week."

I growled. "Shut the fuck up, Almasy." Before you hurt yourself. No, wait, continue. The more pain you're in, the happier I am.

Seifer heaved himself onto the couch beside me and flung an arm over my shoulders. I was too shocked to say anything. "Well, Chicken Wuss, if you're thinking of scamming on Squall, you can forget it; she's mine."

VIOLENCE METER BROKEN!

With that last furious thought, I launched an attack at Seifer Almasy such as the world has never seen before.

Nor will it ever be seen again, if he knows what's good for him.

-

Thirty minutes, a broken lamp, a dozen or so bruises and a messed up couch later, all three of us sat at the kitchen table, the blondes on either side of me, with a very angry Rinoa staring us down.

I don't even know how Zell got involved in the fight.

Upon finding us trying to beat the living daylights out of each other (Seifer stopped having qualms about hitting me early in the fight) my best friend and crush had located the hose outside and dowsed us in cold water, not really caring that she had probably ruined the carpet. Ten she dragged us into the kitchen, sat us down, and proceeded to chew our ears out.

"I can't believe you guys!" She cried again. She seemed the doubting type. I just shrunk in on myself, slouching between Seifer and Zell – Zell stared off to the side, wincing once and a while. Seifer just watched her with a raised eyebrow and his arms folded over his chest. He acted like he hadn't heard a word she'd said. He also acted like he didn't care. Rinoa fixed me with a glare I really didn't like. "Squall, I know how much you dislike Seifer, but trying to kill him..." I know, I know... please don't suggest anger management... "... and you completely wrecked the Almasy's living room!"

Rinoa paused and huffed, placing her hands on her hips. "Squall, I want to make this very clear to you." She hooked her leg around a chair and dragged it closer so she could plop down and place her elbows on the table top, staring me in the eye levelly. "You destroyed the couch."

Yeah.

"Just yesterday, a dog destroyed your bed."

Uh-huh. Fucking dogs...

"There are no more guest rooms, Squall. You still have three days left."

I looked at her in horror, my back straightening. My eyes widened.

Oh... God.... no.

I started to shake my head adamantly, jerking it from side to side. Her eyes softened, but she nodded her head. Her expression said it, all too clearly; _yes_.

"What are you talking about??" Seifer snapped me out of my silent communication with Rinoa, and I glanced sideways at him.

Then I wrenched my gaze back to my best friend, hissing, "I'd rather sleep on the floor."

She looked reprovingly at me. "Squall...."

I jumped up, away from the table and Seifer. "There's no way in fucking hell I'm sleeping in the same bed as that fucker! He'll molest me in the night! He'll do unspeakable things to me!"

I didn't quite notice that I was pointing an accusing finger at Mr. Almighty himself.

_-/_**Seifer's POV**_/-_

Oh. So that's what they were talking about.

I blinked.

Yeah. I probably would. But I better not tell her that. Better lie.

_-/_**Squall's POV**_/-_

Rinoa frowned and Seifer blinked, realization dawning on him. I slammed my hand back down to my side. Took another step backwards.

"Yeah, right, like I would ever do anything to a _dude_." Seifer snorted.

I froze.

_-/_**Seifer's POV**_/-_

I'm a genius! I had to hold in my triumphant laugh.

I knew what to do.

_-/_**Squall's POV**_/-_

Did I just hear him right?

Rinoa smiled and stood, folding her arms over her chest. "See? He's not so bad."

No! It's a trick!

I glared at Seifer. I didn't believe him. He looked right back at me and smirked.

"What? Don't believe me? Sorry, Squally-boy, I'm straight." He scoffed at me, then added, almost as an after thought, "Actually, I'd rather you _did_ sleep on the floor. I'd hate to wake up and be feminine."

I doubled my glare. "Fuck you."

He grinned. "No-thank-you."

"Okay, boys, you can stop fighting." We both looked back to Rinoa. She smiled. I didn't like that smile. "Squall will sleep in Seifer's bed for the next three days. Don't worry. It can't be that bad – and it's better than sleeping on the floor."

So says you.

I realized that, by not saying anything, I damned myself to hell.

-

I was standing there when it happened – Zell, still in the house, was trying to turn a corner but ran face first into a wall, making a picture at the top of the stairs crash to the floor. It was hard not to laugh when Seifer, reaching the second floor, jumped at the sound, stumbled backwards, and toppled head over heels back down the stairs, cursing madly. As it was, I stood placidly, eyes trained on his flailing body. I was hungry for his pain.

As he staggered back up the steps, a nasty thought occurred to me, but I kept my face neutral. That is, until he got to the top, looked up and saw me standing there. I could see his expression. It had 'impending doom' written all over it.

I smiled happily and pushed him back down the stairs. In my head, I was laughing insanely. And very, very loudly

-

Later that night, I glared at him from across his room. He was already sitting cross-legged on his bed, leaning against the wall in his boxers.

"No touching me."

"Like I'd _want_ to." He rolled his eyes.

"No trying to cop a feel."

He snorted. I didn't trust him, but I really couldn't find a way out of this without looking like some kind of coward.

Sighing, I trudged my way over to Almasy's bed, and, wrinkling my nose, slid between the sheets, as close to the edge and as far away from him as I could get.

Ew. In bed with Seifer. And he's only wearing boxers. For some reason, I had to hide my face as it heated up.

Hi clicked off the light.

Suddenly, I was afraid of the dark. No, just him. Perv.

-

_Sorry I didn't re-post on Monday. There was this holocaust down the street and… well, you know how it is. Yes, yes, I'm working on the final chapter... seriously. In between playing FFT and GTA3... O-o PS. Download 'Imagine' by A Perfect Circle. _**NOW**_.  
_


	6. Life is a Nightmare

**A Week in a Madhouse**

By: Ayanagami

Warnings: Shonen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing (EDIT: _lots_ of cussing), and a gender challenged Seifer - except he's not confused about _his_ gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a _girl_.

**Day Five** _Life is a Nightmare_

**-/Squall's POV**/-

I woke up with a warm arm around my waist and someone breathing down my neck.

Evil Gnome Thing.

I screamed and attacked.

-**/General/**-

The two boys landed in a tangled heap of limbs and bed sheets as Squall attacked with a fury well known to him. Seifer, on instinct, fought back and the result was a mass of bed sheets jerking around and the perfect opportunity to dub over the sound with two cats fighting. But there was a lot of noise, and if sped up, it might have been considered a cat fight, anyway.

_-/_**Squall's POV**_/-_

I figured out it wasn't an Evil Gnome Thing five minutes ago. But then I realized it was Seifer and I took the chance to pummel him into the ground for two reasons. One - I woke up and he was practically on top of me. Two - he was Seifer. Any chance to hurt him was gladly taken and then thanked profusely.

Seven minutes of violence, a shower, and another scuffle later, I knew today was going to be a good day.

-

I knew today was going to be a bad day.

"Hey, dude, what's up?! Whoa," Zell hopped off his skateboard and popped it up with his feet, sending it into the back of another student's knees. "What's with the face?"

I think he was referring to my "You're still ALIVE?" expression. I really mean that. How could he survive himself? Speaking of which, he just sent two girls tumbling into a ditch some construction workers had dug to put in a new sprinkler system... weren't these things supposed to have fences around them?

Zell's disaster-striking abilities would have been amusing if they didn't make me nervous.

I started walking faster, making him jog to catch up to me. Damn. I was hoping to lose him. What was with this kid? I was never friendly to him, but he kept coming back. What, was I the first person he saw or something and immediately declared me mommy? He was just like Seifer. I hate blondes!

"Hey, Squall, wait up, what's the hurry?" Two get away from you. Fast.

"I have to get to first period early today to finish a project." Evil laughter rang through my head as I tore off in the direction of my class.

-

I sank lower into my seat, wondering if maybe I should try and brave Zell again. Five minutes of listening to these Dungeons and Dragons players made me want to melt their bones and tear off their skin. Not even that happy image could make me smile. They were that bad.

"I'm going to cast Magic Missiles!"

"But there's nothing to cast it on. You're in a dark cave."

"... I'm going to cast Magic Missiles.. on the _darkness_!"

"..." The Dorks looked around at each other. "Anyway. Okay, player three, you walk into a wooden area with moss on the trees and... uh.... a few rocks. Anyway, you meet... hey! Pay attention, Silverwood! You're going to be playing! Where was I... Oh, yeah, you meet an elf."

"Greetings, elf. I am Gyntoff the Warrior."

"Hi.... I'm an elf. Hey, does my description say that I have blue hair and green eyes?"

"What? Why? You're in the middle of a meeting!"

"Well, cause I wanted to change it, I want blue hair and _silver_ eyes."

"Whatever. You're supposed to be talking to Gyntoff!"

"Hey, I want you to change my description! I want blue hair and silver eyes!"

"We can't change it until you _do_ something!"

"... alright, I'll pull out my _Plus Five Long Sword of Smiting_ and chop off his head!"

"You can't do that! You're just talking to him!"

"Oh. Right. Kay, I'll just chop off his hand, then."

"Those sandwiches your mom made last weekend were really good. My dog looks healthy, now."

"You fed them to your dog?"

"No! He found them in my backpack. He also ate my science project when he came back home yesterday. It was the weirdest thing, he smelled like chicken-"

"Hey! You two, what are you talking about!?" Uh oh, looks like Lead Dork was getting upset. "Can't you guys concentrate?!"

"Fred, you don't have to be so push-"

"My name's not Fred, I'm the Dungeon Master!"

Aw, fucking hell, someone kill me. I suddenly felt very, very depressed.

-

I didn't say anything to Rinoa for the first ten minutes of Chem, just staring at her blankly as our lab partner continued to nag the teacher to reconsider placing him in another group - _any_ other group. She wouldn't do it. The fucker was stuck with us. Resistance is futile.

Finally, Rinoa sighed. "What's _wrong_, Squall?"

"You did it on purpose and you are the epitome of all planned evil."

She blinked at me and smiled. "Have a good night's rest?"

I narrowed my eyes. Oh, yes... she was evil. I don't care if she _was_ my crush. She was evil.

Did I mention she was evil?

"Puh-LEASE switch me into another group! PLEASE!" I glanced over at our pseudo-partner, watching as he fell to his knees and clung to the teacher's leg. "PLEASE!"

What was wrong with people today? First, the D&D Dorks, and now this pathetic display.

"Hey!" A cheerful voice. No. "I'll switch with you!"

And like that the desperate boy flung himself onto Selphie, the only other student in class crazy enough to actually blow something up. She smiled and patted his head, moving her stuff to his vacated seat. She grinned at us.

"Hi!" Go. Away.

Selphie was... like a female version of Zell. Sort of. He was hyper, she was insanely hyper _and_ cheerful. And she didn't have the tendency of blindly destroying a person's life like Zell. But she was just as bad... for some reason.

And for some reason, I had a bad feeling about all of this.

As I've said before, I'm good at Chem and I pay attention to what the teacher says and I hate people who get soap bottles stuck on their hands. So usually the only time I mess up is when I don't care or when the little voice in my head says that something's a pretty good idea. The little voice is me.

And Rinoa is good at Chem. I don't know if she thinks some of the things she does are good ideas or not, but one time she got a kids hand to glow bright green in the dark for a month. I don't know if that was on purpose... or not.

Selphie... well, there are a lot of explosions around Selphie. Usually a student wouldn't be allowed to even touch a Bunsen burner with her track record, but she was manipulative. So she got to blow things up to her little heart's content and the teachers smiled at her like she was playing with a harmless little puppy. Scary.

That bad feeling from before... when I saw the materials being handed out, I didn't think much of it. When we started the lab, I didn't think of it much. When I set Selphie's books on fire and melted the already battered table, well, I thought about it long and hard.

In the office.

Owch.

-

It didn't help that the voices in my head (remember... the voices are just me...) kept saying stuff I didn't want to hear. So...

"I'm not sure I can trust you kids anymore... disaster seems to strike around you in your science class."

At this point, the voices said something in a tone of voice I had decided I -didn't- like. Fuck you, assholes!

"Excuse me?!" The principle looked like he was going to pop a vein or an eyeball or something.

I guess I said that out loud. Oops.

"Not you, those damn voices in my head.... fuckers..."

Oh shit. I said that one out loud, too.... This won't turn out good.

-

Finally! Fuck, they acted like we blew up the school, not a table. Actually, we melted it... I wondered how the hell _that_ could happen. Or how we managed to do that... Lip-gloss: Bad.

I almost ended up having to go to therapy. Miracle of miracles that Selphie the wonder girl was there with me. We got out with a small amount of fuss.

I blinked as Selphie wheeled around to face me, a scowl across her pretty face. "You owe me!"

For what? The books?

"For saving your ass in there!"

Woah, does she have psychic abilities or something??

I looked over at Rinoa, who smiled and shrugged, clasping her hands behind her back loosely as we started moving again, the girls on either side of me. I suddenly decided that this would be a good time to go to my happy place. The look on Selphie's face was fucking scary.

"Hello!" She waved her hand in my face. I blinked and jerked back, but unfortunately my feet wanted to keep going so I fell. Down. I fell down.

After Rinoa stopped laughing and helped me up, I glared at the stupid punk. I mean Selphie.

What the fuck is your problem? "What?"

"Well, I've been trying to get your attention for the past two minutes or so." She smiled sweetly, and the smile scared me. It also made me wary. She was up to something.

"Why?"

"To tell you that I'm using your house to plan this Friday's dance."

I stared.

And stared.

And fucking _stared_.

"No."

-

Lunch time found me with an alternatingly pleading and vengeful Selphie practically attached to my hip. I wondered if one of those tabloids had a demon-be-gone service.

"Please??!"

"No."

"Pretty please??!"

"No."

"But you owe me!"

"No."

"PLEEEEAAASE!? It's only 'til Friday!! It's not like I want to chop of your hand!"

"No."

"... So if I did use your house, you wouldn't get mad?"

"No."

…

"Fuck." I walked right into that one. She smiled and bounced away.

"I'll be walking home with you after school!"

-

And she did.

Selphie, Zell, Seifer and I all walked to Lord Dick's house.

Selphie, because she said she would.

Zell, because he thought he could.

Seifer, because he hated Zell's guts and taunted him like crazy.

Rinoa had said she would drop by later and make sure no one was dead. I wondered if someone would do me an enormous favor and kill me. Like now. Or, even better, give me a large, heavy, potentially deadly object so that I could brutally smash in everyone's face. And maybe some acid to melt off body parts.

"Remind me again why she's here?" Of course, Almighty Prick! I live to do your bidding! Fuck you!

"She claimed my soul," I lied. "But in order to gain control of me fully, she must be in my habitat. Don't be afraid when she steals your boxers."

Seifer shook his head.

_-/_**Seifer's POV**_/-_

Squall, if I haven't mentioned, is fucking weird. She'd rather say something totally out their before telling the truth. So I had no fucking clue why there were -two- hyper psychos behind us instead of just one. Fucking hell, could they scream any _louder_??

But then I remembered something.

The stairs.

I suddenly became afraid of my own house. Or at least the second floor.

_-/_**Squall's POV**_/-_

Goddamn. I went upstairs immediately when we reached Seifer's house and curled up in his beanbag (why the hell did he have a beanbag? I've never seen him _in_ it...) to take a nap. An hour later, I came down, and everything was chaos.

Complete....

Utter...

Chaos.

"No! I need those decorations in the box marked 'F-3'!" Ah, that would be Selphie. She seemed to be the cause of most of this. She was conducting four or five people in mad circles around the house, paper, lights and decorations everywhere. Some people yelled to each other in a language I couldn't understand in my sleepy state. It was probably a variation of English. Off in the distance, I heard barking.

Zell spotted me at the top of the stairs and waved. I considered going back to bed, but decided that it would just give me a case of insomnia I really didn't need. Then again, this was giving me a head ache just looking at it.

Disaster Waiting To Happen ran up the steps, taking to at a time.

"Hey Squall!" I grunted.

"It was nice of you to let Selphie use the house," another grunt from me, I'm so fucking eloquent, "to plan this Friday's dance."

Finally, I looked around. "Where the fuck is Almasy?"

Zell blinked at me. "Wha... Oh!" He scowled and gestured to some place down the steps. "He's off battling demons."

Demons...? Evil Gnome Things! My enemies.

I scrambled down the stairs, intent on finding Seifer and the evil little critters. I admit, I was very tired and very out of it. In other words, I had no fucking idea what the fuck I was doing.

I was still tired when I found him, seemingly unconscious on the ground outside with a suspicious bite mark on his arm and tufts of black fur around him. I somehow managed to trip on something and fell on him.

In the back of my head, in the part of my mind that was still coherent, I knew this was a bad thing. But the sleepy part found his stomach to be an excellent pillow and he was very warm.

Mmm.. sleepy time.

_-/_**Seifer's POV**_/-_

It took everything I had not to scream like a girl when Squall fell on me. I didn't have my eyes open all the way, but I saw her stumble towards me and then trip. Then she went to sleep.

Squall was weird... Sleepy Squall was freaky.

But her hair was really soft... and she was warm... and that fucking dog bit me after chasing me around the neighborhood and I was tired.

_-/_**Squall's POV**_/-_

"It's so CUTE!!!!"

That's what woke me up.

I think it was Selphie.

Fuck her.

Something warm was wrapped around me and I curled closer, trying to make her go away. I couldn't figure out why the hell I was so tired.

Or why the hell there were so many voices... and I smelled grass... along with something disturbingly familiar.

I tore away from Seifer and created a good distance between us by rolling. But not before Selphie took a picture. I froze as it caught up to me. She took a fucking picture!!!!!

I narrowed my eyes, turned towards her... and screamed. She looked like a deer caught in someone's headlights before she bolted down the street, camera in hand. I was right behind her. I Ignored Zell as he yelled something after us, I ignored the weirdoes Selphie had dragged with her to Seifer's house, and I even ignored Rinoa as she tried to get my attention, finally having shown up.

I just screamed bloody, painful death after Selphie and ran.

-

She got away. She managed to get away with future blackmail material. After chasing her for about half an hour, I returned 'home', defeated and tired. Well, not entirely defeated.

I was outlining a plan in which I could kill Selphie and destroy the camera.

-

_ So, I bet you're wondering why I didn't re-post a chapter in the past few days. It's not that hard… I know. Just general problems and stuff. Well, anyway, I am very nearly done with the final chapter. Which is good. I tried to write it three different times, and with each start it was completely different in tone. But, I did take bits and pieces from the other starts and use them in the final product… they were too funny to pass up. Anyway, another chapter reposted! We'll meet again next time…_


	7. Crouching Tiger, Drunken Cowboy

**A Week in a Madhouse**

By: Ayanagami

Warnings: Shonen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing (EDIT: _lots_ of cussing), and a gender challenged Seifer - except he's not confused about _his_ gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a _girl_.

**Day Six** _Crouching Tiger, Drunken Cowboy_

_-/_**Seifer's POV**_/-_

I woke up and everything hurt very, very badly.

Damn those stairs.

And I hate dogs. Especially monster dogs.

Damn the monster dogs.

_-/_**Squall's POV**_/-_

I think it should be a crime to wake up underneath another guy. Another guy who is taller and heavier. Another guy who thinks you're a girl.

Okay, that might not be true, but just because he _says_ he understands that I'm a _guy_ doesn't mean he's telling the truth. There's such a thing as lying, you know. He's lying. I know he is.

He's also on top of me in such a way as that I can't get up, move, or even, in any way, shape or form, wake him up. Besides yelling at him, but my throat feels awful and my mouth is dry. Agh! He's crushing me! I'm going to die and it's be because I'm crushed to death by Mr. Almighty himself! Stupid prick planned this. He's going to try and rape my dead - oh, I can bite him. That'll wake him up.

CHOMP.

_-/_**Seifer's POV**_/-_

HOLY FUCK A VAMPIRE IS EATING MY NECK!

_-/_**Squall's POV**_/-_

You had better GET UP NOW! I made a warning growl in my throat and tried to get him off of me by arching my back. I released his neck in favor of screaming. It started slow..."Get....... off..... Get... off..."

It sped up. "Get. Off. Get off! GET OFF!"

And then it got very, very loud. "GETOFF! GETOFFGETOFF_GETOFF_!!!!!!"

I didn't think today could be any worse than yesterday.

-

I'm made to eat those words each and every time I say them.

School wasn't the problem this time, except during first period when, together with my class during first period to start a research project, we ran into complete and utter chaos in the hallways.

How the _fuck_ did Zell's Gym class get in the hallways? There were basketballs everywhere, someone had broken a water pipe, and kids were running and screaming ever which way. Clean up on Aisle 5.... The coach should not be allowed to have a whistle. People like me are liable to strangle them to death for abusing it.

After I got away from that completely _bizarre_ occurrence, my day was pretty normal, punctuated by random people being hurt in Zell's general vicinity, another bout of strange almost-sentient-beings in chem with Selphie and Rinoa, more Zell in Math class and Seifer growling in English.

Maybe the dog that bit him was a werewolf. That way, when I kill him, I have a defense; 'He was turning into a dog so I shot him with a silver bullet... what? He had _rabies_!!'

Not that they would believe me... I'd have to kill them, too, wouldn't I?

No... actually, school wasn't as traumatic as usual... It was what happened afterwards.

Rinoa somehow dragged me to Selphie's damn School Dance...

Shudder.

-

"Come on, Squall, are you ready _yet_?!" That was Rinoa, yelling at me from downstairs as I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. Actually, for the past fifteen minutes I had been ready to go. I was just stalling so I could contemplate the usefulness of my life. Right now it wasn't very appealing. There was some Simple Green under the counter.... "Squall, are you _even listening to me_!? Are you _alive_!??"

Yes, I'm alive, but not for long.

"Rinoa, where are you and Squally going?" Almighty butts in. All thoughts of suicide forgotten, I'm fixated now instead on homicide. I flung open the door, grabbed my jacket from the banister and stomped down to the first floor.

"It's none of your business." I snapped at him and tried to get Rinoa to get her ass out the door before she said anything. No such luck.

"We're going to the dance, Seifer, wanna come?"

For moment, everything stood still for me. I really didn't want him to come. Please don't come please don't come please don't come....

"Nah."

Right then I think I had a heart attack. It was the first smart thing he'd ever done. I shot him a wary glance and then ran through the door into the outside air, Rinoa close behind.

On with the night's torture.

-

Surprisingly, it wasn't half bad. Maybe it was because I'd never been to a school dance before, or maybe Selphie was a psychotic perfectionist, but the decorations weren't like some cheesy high school prom and the music wasn't even mainstream. Hell. She even played Nine Inch Nails' _Closer_.

I think I realized that the punch had been spiked when she played "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred. Because that was when Rinoa finally dragged me out and made me lip sync the song.... and I did. And I danced.

I would never live that down.

Then there was the entire bathroom incident.

"Squall, come with me to the bathroom." That was Rinoa.

"...." That was me, wondering why the _fuck_ she wanted me to come to the bathroom with her.

"Squall, please, I'll only just be a minute..."

"Why do you need me?"

"Because I need you to hold something."

Hold something? I was suspicious.

After a moment's debate, I realized that whether Rinoa was going to summon the devil or not, there was no way I'd know unless I went with her. Another debate later, and I decided that, yes, I was curious and thus, yes, I would go with her.

Plus, I was tipsy.

So there I was in the girls bathroom. Holding Rinoa's shoe.

Why the fuck was I holding Rinoa's shoe?

She was in a stall, doing fuck knows, while I stood against the wall, swaying a bit and holding her shoe.

I looked up as the door opened and met the eyes of another student.

Another female student, because, of course, this was the girls bathroom, and girls use this bathroom, and there I was, a boy, in a girls bathroom.

She made a strangled yelping sound and threw whatever was handy at the moment, which happened to be her purse. It didn't hurt, but it sure was surprising. So I hopped back, fell into a stall door, fell _backwards_ into the stall, and at the last minute, manage to regain my footing.

Not before my arm shot out, trying to grab something, and, by way of accident, hurl Rinoa's shoe at the girl.

I ended up giving her a black eye.

Rinoa made me give her a Tampon as an apology.

-

I don't remember how it ended, or even how all these people came to be in Seifer's house. Because here we were, eleven at night, most of us half drunk, in Seifer's living room. Some people were playing Halo, a few were doing who knows what and I.... was slightly happy. It was the punch, I assure you. I had never realized how goddamn _happy_ you can be when drunk. Even when I saw Seifer I was still happy.

For some unknown reason, when Zell started babbling at me, I didn't mind....

"....and at my last school whenever I walked home, I could swear that the ice cream truck was following me the entire way and would stop outside my house. I was like Holy Crap, that psycho ice-cream man is stalking me. So I called the police and told them but they told me that I should call back when I have a real emergency in five or so years. And my parents didn't believe me either, and so I thought that I was just imagining things, but now when I walk home with you, that same ice-cream truck still follows me..."

......too much.

And when Selphie took over the sound system in order to play The Sweater Song, I busted up laughing.

"If you want to destroy my sweater.... pull this thread as I walk away..... watch me unravel.... I'll soon be naked.... lying on the floor, I've come undone...."

I was really drunk. And it didn't help that Selphie's drunken cowboy friend had found the alcohol Seifer's parents didn't even bother to lock up. That guy gave me something really strong and then stumbled away to play go fish or something with an equally drunk Zell. Mostly I just tried hiding from people in plain sight, sitting against the wall.... and then, once I was drunk enough, I was having a hard time holding onto the damn floor.

Remind me to kill the floor when the hangover subsided the morning after... that hangover would be a killer, too.

Sometime during that horrifying, pain filled event, Rinoa approached me with a slightly glazed look and an evil little idea in her evil little brain...

I might have been drunk, but I still had my pride. And my insane stubborn ways.

"No."

"Please....?"

"No."

"Leeeeeeez........"

"What the hell.... no."

"Why not? We'll just switch really quick and then switch back!"

That last line came out sounded more like "w'not? Wull'switch'm'ree'kick'an'en'switch'm'back!" but I was able to understand her... the power of alcohol... I always wondered how the hell my parents could understand each other so well when they were completely plastered.

She kept bugging me while I watched, or tried to watch, the people milling around Seifer's Almighty's house. Holy fuck, I knew maybe a handful of these people... did Seifer know them? Did SELPHIE? .... were they even high schoolers? Sometimes when there's a high school party with alcohol in it, creepy college students would show up and try to mingle. But you could always tell they were college students because they looked at the high schoolers like they were bugs.

Or maybe I'm just really drunk...

I slid sideways off the wall and fell into someone. Or something. It was big and warm, and had a heartbeat, so I was assuming it was alive, at the very least.

"Squall...."

Go away.

"Squall."

Shut up. I'm going to stab you with something pointy and sharp and rusty so you'll get Tetanus and die.

"Hey, _Squall_."

Forget Tetanus. I'm going to stick your hand in a blender - but first, I'm going to tear off each and every one of your nails, shove them into your eyes, peel off your skin and stick toothpicks in your muscles. All over.

"Seifer, what are-"

Wait.

Hold it.

Okay, though my brain was under the influence of a lot of alcohol, it managed to realize something. One - the voice saying my name was Seifer's. Two, the voice belonged to the person I was lying on. Three, if you add one and two together, you get this - I'm laying on Seifer.

Defying all drunken laws, my head shot up, connected with Seifer's jaw, went right back down like a rock, and was held in my hands for an extended period time as I tried to get over the mass amounts of pain involved.

Holy fucking fuck, that really fucking hurt.

Fuck.

I stumbled away from Seifer and, surprisingly, was not followed by Rinoa as I sought a place to heal.

Fuckity fucking fuck. This abso-fucking-lutely sucked.

-

Hours or minutes might have gone by, I don't know, but eventually most of the people left, leaving, I assume, only myself, Seifer, Rinoa, Selphie, Zell, and the Drunk Cowboy. I was sure Drunk Cowboy had a name. I just didn't know what it was.

I was just drifting off to sleep somewhere in the living room when I heard it. The lovely sound of a body crashing down the stairs the quickest way possible - by falling down them. It was accompanied by a profuse amount of loud cuss words.

Popping my eyes open, I uncurled and sat up, looked over, and...

"Oh my _fucking God_!!!"

There lay Seifer, sprawled on the floor at the foot of the stairs, mused and dismayed and a little beat up.

Wearing one of his mother's black evening gowns.

-

_So I haven't worked on the last chapter today, but then again it's only eleven in the morning. I think I have time. My hope is that I'll be able to post it early tomorrow. And then I can chalk this off as 'another story finished… finally'. You know, they have medication for people like me. It's called Ritalin and Adderal. Or the old fashion cure, a boot to the gut and a gun to the head. So now. I tried changing my name to Annik. There is so much irony in that name, I'm not sure you guys will understand… it may just be me. Anyway, someone else had the name and it made me sad. About the reposting of this chapter… I think this one had the most spelling and grammatical errors. I'm too impatient to look for those grammatical errors where I use the wrong word or contraction… And schoolers is not a word. But I use it and hear it being used, so I regret nothing. Thank you for your time, and good day._


	8. Welcome To My Happy World

**A Week in a Madhouse**

By: A.S. Annik (_Ayanagami_)

Warnings: Shonen Ai, my oh-so-famous humor, cussing (EDIT: _lots_ of cussing), and a gender challenged Seifer - except he's not confused about _his_ gender.

Story: Squall grew up with Seifer. He hates him. Now he has to spend a week in the same house, with no one around, and a lifetime of bad memories. What kicks it? Seifer is convinced that Squall is a _girl_.

_Notes: So. Here it is. The end. The end that gives you nothing, but I like it anyway. I told myself I would add another scene to it somewhere, but I decided not to. Anything that is underlined has nothing to do with the story. _

**Day Seven** _Welcome to my happy world, now get your shit and leave._

There comes a time in your life when you realize that everything you ever stood for was a lie. When everything you ever believed in crumbled around you, leaving you vulnerable and exposed. When all your illusions shatter and you're left standing all alone, without a thing in the world to depend in.

And then there comes a time in your life when you wake up with a massive, life threatening hangover and decide that the best way out of it would be initiating a nuclear war.

The sun was warming my face uncomfortably, stabbing at my eyelids with a sort of manic glee I wasn't sure could exist in an inanimate object. Groaning, I flung a leaden arm over my face, attempting to hide from said ball of gaseous energy.

Oh Jesus Christ and Sweet Mother Mary. Someone fucking **kill me**.

I'm never drinking again. And I'm blaming this little excursion on none other than the great Rinoa Heartilly, the unfortunate love of my teenage hormones. I'm also reserving a large portion of **burning hatred** for one Seifer Almasy, pincushion of my ever-growing sea of violent inclinations.

Speaking of the pincushion.... where the hell was he?

_Snore_.

Oh. Somewhere in my vicinity, obviously. Hmmm...

_Snore_.

**Aug**. **Right in my ear**.

I have three reasons for my next action - one, that tickled like all hell; two, it was Seifer Almasy, and he was **touching me**; three, violence is a great way to wake up in the morning.

So I smacked him. Once, twice.... third time's the charm.

"You hit like a girl!"

"You've said that before."

With a groan, I pulled myself up and realized we were on the living room floor. The only other living person in the room, assuming they **were** alive, was Zell. Did that kid even **have** a home?!

One last kick to Seifer's oh-so-unprotected side, I dragged my weary, hung-over body to the bathroom, intent on staying there until the end of the world came and aliens abducted Zell, and Seifer died a horrible, burning, acidic demise.

I slammed the door behind me and clutched my head when I realized what a mistake it was.

But it was worth it when I heard Seifer's painful groan from the other side.

-

"Touch it."

"No."

"Touch it!"

"No!"

"**Touch it**!"

"**NO**! **You touch it**!"

"**SHUT THE FUCK UP, BOTH OF YOU!**"

I staggered out of the bathroom, fresh, clean, rested, and out for blood. I'd had it up to **here** listening to those two go back and forth. And what they were they talking about, **anyway**? I stalked into the kitchen and up to Seifer and Zell, who stared at me from their position in front of the refrigerator.

"What the **hell** are you guys screaming about?!"

Without a word, and eyes wide, Zell pointed to a container wrapped in foil at the back of the top shelf.

I looked at it, narrowing my eyes for a moment, before looking up at them, then back at the foil thing. "Well, what the hell **is** it?"

Seifer shifted his weight and shrugged. "I dunno. It's been in the fridge since I was nine... I think."

Zell bounced on the balls of his feet. "I swear to God that it made a noise!!"

I slumped my shoulders and hung my head. Then I blinked and glanced at the container suspiciously. "Seifer... did you ever bury that kitten of yours? The one that drowned in the toilet?"

"... Stinky?"

God, what a fucking horribly name. I'd drown myself in the toilet bowl, too, if that was my name. ".... Yeah. Stinky."

Zell snorted and backed away from the fridge to drop into on of the kitchen chairs. "What the hell kind of name is that?"

Almasy crossed his arms of his chest and glared. "One, I was **nine**; two, the cat seriously smelled."

I sighed and snatched up the foil wrapped package, earning myself two incredulous stares.

"You've got balls, man...." Zell muttered as I placed it on the table and began to unwrap it.

"**OH JESUS CHRIST**."

"Yup, now I remember. The cat drown, your parents promised to bury it the next day, stuck it in the fridge, got drunk and forgot all about it."

"....S-Stinky?"

I think Seifer was a little traumatized.

-

For a while, we were at a standstill. Zell and I wanted to burn the body, and Seifer wanted to flush it down the toilet. He later decided, after we explained it to him (i.e. Zell explains and I try to physically assault him) that kittens aren't the same as goldfish, that we should bury him, instead.

I was a little put out.... **WHERE WAS MY FUNERAL PYRE**?!

Zell just didn't like the idea of sticking something in the ground. Something about dogs and bones... I wasn't paying attention.

We managed to compromise. Since it **was** Seifer's cat we were doing away with, he naturally got two votes, but since Zell and I were of the same mind, it was two against two - a perfect split.

Let's just say half of Stinky is in the Almasy backyard, and the other half is ashes in the wind.

Noontime rolled around like a military man suffering from a bullet in the leg, and Rinoa dropped by, bringing with her... nothing. Just her lovely self. She didn't seem affected by a hangover in the least.

I was suspicious.

We were alone for a moment, and the conversation went like this;

"Has Zell been here all day?"

"... unfortunately."

"Did he even go home?"

".... Not that I know of."

"Why does the house smell like burning...... uh... just, something burning?"

"... We had a burial nine years late. Complete with a funeral pyre."

"..." (These things won't appear unless something else is with it... sorry.)

"..." (la la la! Ignore the underlined words!)

"... Seifer kissed you last night."

"**He**.... **He**.... **What**.... (_odd choking noises_)..."

"Breath, Squall, breath!"

"... (_the sound of someone hyperventilating_)... I think... I think I'm gonna die..."

"Squall, don't be"

-/**General POV**/-

_THUD_.

_Silence_.

"SEIFEEEERRR!!!!"

-/**Squall's POV**/-

-

I woke up, groggy at first, and disoriented. I was laying on something that was both soft, yet hard...

Like, say, the ground covered by blankets and a carpet?

I groaned and rolled over, coming nose to surface with the wall.

I thought for a moment.

There was a blank in my memory prior to this situation. Something horrible must have happened.

With a sigh, I sat up and glanced around, realizing I was in the hallways on the second floor in Seifer's house. The good thing was that I knew why I was here. The bad thing was that I remembered the week's events leading up to this moment.

Is there a God and does he hate me?

The phone rang.

I sat there in that hallway, and decided it was much too quiet in Seifer's house. It scared me.

_Ring_

Jesus Christ, are they planning something?

_Ring_

They're going to take over the world.

_Ring_

Oh, Fuck, they're biding their time, waiting until I dropped my guard and they could go in for the kill.

_Ring._

Fucking gay Eskimos….

_Beep_!

"_Hey, kids!_"

They.... Um... What?

"_It's us! Of course, you knew that, didn't you?_"

Seifer's mom.... sober??

"_Just calling you and telling you we're on our way home.... Oh! By the way...._"

... God, what now?

"_... Why did you guys never pick up any time that we called?_"

.... They called?

"_I mean, the phone just rang and rang, and then we left a message on your answering machine... We must have left, like, fifty!_"

.... I don't remember getting any calls from my parents...

"_Okay, well, anyway, we didn't worry, cause we know you boys are so well behaved...._"

And it had to be **then** that I heard the shout from downstairs and the sound of a small boom. Like a ball of gas catching fire. I tore out of the hallway like a bat out of hell.

"_... we'll see you later, kay? Bye bye!_"

The kitchen was mayhem incarnate when I got there. I don't know how many appliances were on fire, but the room was lit up like the ninth level of hell. Rinoa stood in the middle, her palm against her forehead while she muttered something like 'oh shit..' under her breath.

I stared for a moment before looking around for signs of stupidity. "Where are Zell and Seifer?"

She jumped and turned to face me with wide eyes. "Agh, Squall, didn't hear you come in.. uh... Dunno?"

"... Okay.... What happened in here?"

".... I'd rather not talk about it."

"... Okay."

There was a thudding noise behind me, and the sound of two pairs of feet running. Getting closer.

What the he-

"SQUALL, RINOA, **RUN**!"

Someone grabbed my arm and yanked me towards the front door... all I could do, besides thrash about wildly and hope to punch the mother fucker, was stumble blindly behind them. I heard Rinoa follow closely and we made it out to the curb before IT happened.

With a loud boom and a rather powerful shock wave that sent me sprawling, Seifer Almasy's house exploded.

Just. Like. That.

We stared at the wreckage.

"FUCKING **A**. My NIN CD was in there!!!"

-

We gathered our wits, or what wits we had, and calmed down, enough to rationalize.

"Okay... we blew up Almasy's house."

"No shit."

".... Our parents are on their way home **right now**."

".... I figured they would have stayed longer..."

"Yeah, well, apparently they were worried. **Some**one didn't answer the phone when they called."

"I never heard the phone ring!"

"... just shut up."

"..." (Don't you love pure dialogue based scenes?)

"... Squall... just **how** mad are your parents going to be...?"

"... well... mine will be moderately mad. Seifer?"

".... I dunno. I've never blown up my **house**."

"But you did blow up the shed when you were twelve."

"... No, Squall, that was **your** fault."

"Zell's been awfully quiet...."

"..." (I know I do!)

"... I think this is trying to tell me something... Ice cream men stalkers, houses blowing up... What's next - **aliens**??!"

"Let's ignore him."

".... What are we going to tell our parents, Almasy?"

".... Heh."

"... If you blame this on Rinoa, I'm strangling you with your birth cord."

"...." (They're so informative!)

"I'll hunt it down and strangle you with it."

"Okay, okay... look... we'll compromise."

By then I noticed the neighbors were emerging from their flimsy shelters... their flimsy, non-charred shelters.

".... Okay?"

"No one breaths a **word** of last night to **any**one..."

"You mean the part where you kissed Squall?"

".... (_choking noises_)... can't.... think... brain... malfunctioning... (_gasping_) ... self narrating symptoms...."

"... Squall? Squall, are you okay?"

"I think he's dying."

"No, he did this before and he was fine."

"But he's turning blue! Agh! His nose is bleeding! His nose is bleeding! Ah! The blood is on me! It's on me, and it won't come off! Someone make it come off!"

"Zell, come back!"

"Let him run off like a sissy."

"But he - ZELL! LOOK"

_THUD_.

"... I vaguely remember him mentioning a phobia about ice cream trucks... this is kind of ironic."

"... My house blows up, Squall has a heart attack and Sissy Boy gets hit by an ice cream truck.... why did all of this have to happen at the last minute?"

"Murphy's Law."

"Damnit."

"... Hey, I think Squall's breathing got a little better."

"... I wish I had died."

"Yeah, we love you too, Squall."

-

The tension was thick. Any minute now, all hell would break loose and rain fire and brimstone down upon us.

We were dead kids, to be sure.

"So, is Seifer a good kisser?"

"Looks like we're going to have house guests for a while."

"My baby has a boyfriend!"

"Good thing the house was insured like all hell..."

I stared at the four adults, adults who were supposed to have been disappointed in us teens for **RUINING THEIR LIVES**. Instead...

I looked at Seifer who gave me a smirk that looked a tiny bit confused as well, then back at our parents.

"Oh, fuck **ME**."

-

_**Teh End**! Sorta. No, there will be no more chapters. But I left it open so that I can fuck with this Squall some more if I feel the need. I mean, Seifer get's to live with HIM, now. (Yeah, great in case I want to continue, huh?) It IS kinda short, isn't it? But now I can attempt to write that sequal to Getting Drunk... I feel happy. _

_To readers and readers-who-review: Thank you for your time, attention, care, skittles, and other impliments of destru... er... and all the nice things you've had to say._

_I do not apologize for disappointing any of you. And I mean that. O.o I smell food. Till my next update in whatever story!_

_PS: **Iskander** - APC rocks, and so do you. **Miss Dincht**: Here's your fucking update. (I don't mean this in a bad way.)_


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